Bryan W. Alaspa 1Time to complain – about cell phone companies
June 23rd 2009 00:00
Cell phones are certainly not native to Chicago. The abuse heaped upon use sheep-like cell phone users is not native to Chicago. What is native to Chicago is the willingness to complain. We Chicagoans love to complain as loudly and as often as possible, but preferably to other Chicagoans while drinking beer. Most Chicagoans believe it is not only their God-give right to complain, but their patriotic duty. As a true Chicagoan, then, I feel the need to complain.
So, today, I want to complain about cell phone companies. Most importantly, why they feel the need to abuse those who are the most loyal and that are the customers who have been with them the longest. Just like some kind of abused spouse, we keep going back again and again no matter how badly they treat those of us who stick around while showering gifts and giving all of the attention to the new people, the more exciting people, just walking in the door.
You walk into any cell phone store and you will find all kinds of deals waiting for those who are not yet signed up with the company. You want a free phone? Hell, we’ll pay you to have this phone that normally runs about $5,000 and has its own individual satellite just following it around. Not only that but you can have more minutes than are actually available in a standard 24-hour day, a direct line to the President and the Pope, plus you get to decide who plays the next villain in the next Batman film. Finally, you can text anyone including aliens and if you want to sleep with my hot wife, you can do that every third Sunday in the month. Just sign here.
Now you, the loyal customer, who has been with the company since it first introduced hand-cranked, box-with-shoulder-strap phones in the late 1800s walk in and ask for the same phone. The person behind the counter looks as if you crawled out of a sewer and kissed his mother. Then he sniffs, spits on you and looks at the computer. You can have that phone for $500,000, we took fifteen cents off the full cost. You get your choice of a bag of broken glass or this box of dead puppies and considering where you are in your 37-year contract we made you sign a year ago, you only get a piece of glass shoved in your eye or one dead puppy. Also, you need to sign a 400 year contract and everyone in this store right now gets to punch you in the face while wearing spiked gloves every month in perpetuity and that is carried on down to your children. Now sign here and shut up.
New customers are exciting. They are sexy. It’s like a marriage or a dysfunctional relationship. You were exciting and sexy at first too. Then things got old. Now you’re boring and they are just trying to make things so miserable they don’t have to end the relationship, but you do. Of course, once you do decide to end things, they sure don’t make it easy. They make sure they get every penny out of you first.
It’s just not fair, really. Those of us who have been with the company when everyone else has been abandoning the place like rats from a sinking, burning and rolling ship should get all of the benefits. We should get the cheapest phones and the best deals. The people behind the counter should be bending over backwards to the point of severe spinal damage to accommodate us.
They don’t of course. They treat us badly because they know we’ll come back. We may write blogs to complain, but nothing ever really changes. They just smile and offer us flowers and promise to never do it again while your left eye swells shut from the bruising.
So, today, I want to complain about cell phone companies. Most importantly, why they feel the need to abuse those who are the most loyal and that are the customers who have been with them the longest. Just like some kind of abused spouse, we keep going back again and again no matter how badly they treat those of us who stick around while showering gifts and giving all of the attention to the new people, the more exciting people, just walking in the door.
You walk into any cell phone store and you will find all kinds of deals waiting for those who are not yet signed up with the company. You want a free phone? Hell, we’ll pay you to have this phone that normally runs about $5,000 and has its own individual satellite just following it around. Not only that but you can have more minutes than are actually available in a standard 24-hour day, a direct line to the President and the Pope, plus you get to decide who plays the next villain in the next Batman film. Finally, you can text anyone including aliens and if you want to sleep with my hot wife, you can do that every third Sunday in the month. Just sign here.
Now you, the loyal customer, who has been with the company since it first introduced hand-cranked, box-with-shoulder-strap phones in the late 1800s walk in and ask for the same phone. The person behind the counter looks as if you crawled out of a sewer and kissed his mother. Then he sniffs, spits on you and looks at the computer. You can have that phone for $500,000, we took fifteen cents off the full cost. You get your choice of a bag of broken glass or this box of dead puppies and considering where you are in your 37-year contract we made you sign a year ago, you only get a piece of glass shoved in your eye or one dead puppy. Also, you need to sign a 400 year contract and everyone in this store right now gets to punch you in the face while wearing spiked gloves every month in perpetuity and that is carried on down to your children. Now sign here and shut up.
New customers are exciting. They are sexy. It’s like a marriage or a dysfunctional relationship. You were exciting and sexy at first too. Then things got old. Now you’re boring and they are just trying to make things so miserable they don’t have to end the relationship, but you do. Of course, once you do decide to end things, they sure don’t make it easy. They make sure they get every penny out of you first.
It’s just not fair, really. Those of us who have been with the company when everyone else has been abandoning the place like rats from a sinking, burning and rolling ship should get all of the benefits. We should get the cheapest phones and the best deals. The people behind the counter should be bending over backwards to the point of severe spinal damage to accommodate us.
They don’t of course. They treat us badly because they know we’ll come back. We may write blogs to complain, but nothing ever really changes. They just smile and offer us flowers and promise to never do it again while your left eye swells shut from the bruising.
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