Bryan W. Alaspa 1Learning to forgive
August 23rd 2009 19:42
Earlier this week I wrote about the fact that I was bullied during my days in high school. I gave out two first names: John and Paul. I stated how those two, of all of those who ever picked on me or made jokes at my expense, I felt had gone out of their way to make things miserable. I also stated how, for over twenty years, I carried this burning hatred for both of them, and always found it impossible to forgive.
This has come to the surface in particular for me because my 20-year high school reunion is right around the corner. I found out that anyone who had ever been in my class during those years was invited, not just the ones who graduated, which meant there was a strong likelihood of running into one or both of these people again. Needless to say this was stressing me out.
A funny thing happened though. Lots of people kept telling me that I should realize the two young men who did that to me were not the same men they are now. That they had probably changed, maybe realized the error of their ways. That I should forgive and not hold on to that hate and try to move on, maybe even become friends with them.
Well, the Paul in this equation wrote a comment on that blog entry. He stated exactly that. He said he was not the same person he was when he was a teenager. He had struggled mightily to get over the things that made him what he was back then. He apologized.
The reaction I had was not what I expected. I always thought, if either of them apologized, I would just go crazy. I would scream that just saying “I’m sorry” wasn’t enough to make up for the years of self-doubt I had to deal with. Instead, I found myself slapped back into reality.
So, Paul, if you happen to read this, know that I am not going to spit your apology back at you. Not at all. I cannot say, right this very moment, that the apology is entirely accepted, but that has nothing to do with the sincerity I saw behind it. That has to do with me coming to terms with twenty years of resentment and frustration.
I learned you can grow accustomed to hating as easily as you can grow accustomed to having friends, a nice place to live, a good place to work, or someone to love. Somehow the hatred and anger are comforting. You can always rely on it being there. And even though you know everyone, including yourself, will be better to put all that aside, some part of you clings to that. So, while Paul has had the past 20 years to become a different person, I have 20 years of accumulated frustration and anger to work through, and I have only just started.
I think the problem is that both of them just remained how I last saw them. When I last saw either they were teenagers. Who wouldn’t want to be forgiven for things they did as teenagers? I know that I made my share of mistakes and certainly hurt more than my share of people over the years. How come I expect others to forgive me, but cannot forgive when it is asked of me? That is a real revelation about myself and something I am trying to work out.
I think part of the frustration has always been that I never did anything to fight back. I was always so afraid to fight. I have never truly been in a fight before. I always thought I would end up hurt, or making things worse. I always just took the humiliation, and that has created this deep need for some kind of “revenge.” Yet, is that really the best way to be? Haven’t we learned that once you start seeking that, then the other side seeks revenge back and it becomes a never-ending cycle?
So, I think I will do my best to shake their hands when I see them. I cannot make promises about friendship or anything like that, but I think that maybe even that is possible at some point. Sometimes I forget people really can change. I am trying to re-learn that and, I hope, become a better person for it myself.
This has come to the surface in particular for me because my 20-year high school reunion is right around the corner. I found out that anyone who had ever been in my class during those years was invited, not just the ones who graduated, which meant there was a strong likelihood of running into one or both of these people again. Needless to say this was stressing me out.
A funny thing happened though. Lots of people kept telling me that I should realize the two young men who did that to me were not the same men they are now. That they had probably changed, maybe realized the error of their ways. That I should forgive and not hold on to that hate and try to move on, maybe even become friends with them.
Well, the Paul in this equation wrote a comment on that blog entry. He stated exactly that. He said he was not the same person he was when he was a teenager. He had struggled mightily to get over the things that made him what he was back then. He apologized.
The reaction I had was not what I expected. I always thought, if either of them apologized, I would just go crazy. I would scream that just saying “I’m sorry” wasn’t enough to make up for the years of self-doubt I had to deal with. Instead, I found myself slapped back into reality.
So, Paul, if you happen to read this, know that I am not going to spit your apology back at you. Not at all. I cannot say, right this very moment, that the apology is entirely accepted, but that has nothing to do with the sincerity I saw behind it. That has to do with me coming to terms with twenty years of resentment and frustration.
I learned you can grow accustomed to hating as easily as you can grow accustomed to having friends, a nice place to live, a good place to work, or someone to love. Somehow the hatred and anger are comforting. You can always rely on it being there. And even though you know everyone, including yourself, will be better to put all that aside, some part of you clings to that. So, while Paul has had the past 20 years to become a different person, I have 20 years of accumulated frustration and anger to work through, and I have only just started.
I think the problem is that both of them just remained how I last saw them. When I last saw either they were teenagers. Who wouldn’t want to be forgiven for things they did as teenagers? I know that I made my share of mistakes and certainly hurt more than my share of people over the years. How come I expect others to forgive me, but cannot forgive when it is asked of me? That is a real revelation about myself and something I am trying to work out.
I think part of the frustration has always been that I never did anything to fight back. I was always so afraid to fight. I have never truly been in a fight before. I always thought I would end up hurt, or making things worse. I always just took the humiliation, and that has created this deep need for some kind of “revenge.” Yet, is that really the best way to be? Haven’t we learned that once you start seeking that, then the other side seeks revenge back and it becomes a never-ending cycle?
So, I think I will do my best to shake their hands when I see them. I cannot make promises about friendship or anything like that, but I think that maybe even that is possible at some point. Sometimes I forget people really can change. I am trying to re-learn that and, I hope, become a better person for it myself.
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Comment by Anonymous
You are showing that you are indeed a better person now. Yes you have your issues but you understand that you have to give people a chance. I knew Jon and Paul then and I know them know and I know they are not the boys they were then. You show them you are not the boy you were then too. You are a forgiver. Let those words calm your unrest.
Ray Young