Bryan W. Alaspa 1How to construct a road
August 28th 2009 13:38
In Chicago the construction season is really in full swing. It seems that every single road is under construction. If you are sitting near a street, look out the window and you will probably see it under construction. There seems to be a pattern that has developed for how to do a construction project here in Chicago. It seems to be in place to maximize the inconvenience for the drivers and to frustrate anyone and everyone so that you want nothing more than to be hostile towards construction workers.
First, find a road that may or may not need construction. Sure, you spent weeks tearing up the surface of a road that was perfectly smooth while ignoring the street two blocks over that looks like the surface of the moon, but that’s how things are done around here in Chicago. The city has money that they have to spend on construction and if they don’t spend it then they don’t get as much money the following year. So, the point is to work slowly and as much as possible.
Second, put up barricades and signs warning of the construction project weeks and weeks in advance. Make sure the handwriting on them is as illegible as possible. Put lots of signs up indicating that a lane is closed but then don’t close that lane for a time, just to confuse drivers.
Third, tear up the surface of the street. Make sure you dig down far enough so that the sewer covers stand about eighteen feet above the new ribbed surface of the road. It’s important that drivers have to swerve all over the damn ridged road to dodge out of the way of these manhole covers.
Fourth, leave the road in this condition for a good month to a month and a half. You really want the people who live on those streets and who drive those streets on a daily basis to be furious and angry by the time it comes to actually resurface the streets. You want lots of damaged tires and damaged cars for about a month. Make sure that the lip between the parts of the road that are smooth and the resurfaced area is very deep so that cars have to slow to a stop or a crawl to make it down safely without ripping out the bottom their car.
Fifth, finally resurface the street, but only do so in order to make the manhole covers about three or four inches above the new surface. Even though the new surface is nice and smooth, you still want drivers to have to swerve out of the way. Nothing makes drivers more excited than an obstacle course.
Sixth, if need be and you still have money to spend on construction you can always do the thing where you dig up little rectangles and squares every few feet apart for no reason. It almost looks like a very important construction job until you notice that the squares that have been dug up are not damaged and that large sections of damaged road are not being dug up. This will close at least a lane for many months, potentially, and leave lots of time for standing around watching the mess in traffic you’ve created.
Now, repeat this as often as you can and in as many places at once as possible so that you really anger the entire city and make it impossible to get anywhere. Enjoy!
First, find a road that may or may not need construction. Sure, you spent weeks tearing up the surface of a road that was perfectly smooth while ignoring the street two blocks over that looks like the surface of the moon, but that’s how things are done around here in Chicago. The city has money that they have to spend on construction and if they don’t spend it then they don’t get as much money the following year. So, the point is to work slowly and as much as possible.
Second, put up barricades and signs warning of the construction project weeks and weeks in advance. Make sure the handwriting on them is as illegible as possible. Put lots of signs up indicating that a lane is closed but then don’t close that lane for a time, just to confuse drivers.
Third, tear up the surface of the street. Make sure you dig down far enough so that the sewer covers stand about eighteen feet above the new ribbed surface of the road. It’s important that drivers have to swerve all over the damn ridged road to dodge out of the way of these manhole covers.
Fourth, leave the road in this condition for a good month to a month and a half. You really want the people who live on those streets and who drive those streets on a daily basis to be furious and angry by the time it comes to actually resurface the streets. You want lots of damaged tires and damaged cars for about a month. Make sure that the lip between the parts of the road that are smooth and the resurfaced area is very deep so that cars have to slow to a stop or a crawl to make it down safely without ripping out the bottom their car.
Fifth, finally resurface the street, but only do so in order to make the manhole covers about three or four inches above the new surface. Even though the new surface is nice and smooth, you still want drivers to have to swerve out of the way. Nothing makes drivers more excited than an obstacle course.
Sixth, if need be and you still have money to spend on construction you can always do the thing where you dig up little rectangles and squares every few feet apart for no reason. It almost looks like a very important construction job until you notice that the squares that have been dug up are not damaged and that large sections of damaged road are not being dug up. This will close at least a lane for many months, potentially, and leave lots of time for standing around watching the mess in traffic you’ve created.
Now, repeat this as often as you can and in as many places at once as possible so that you really anger the entire city and make it impossible to get anywhere. Enjoy!
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Comment by Dan Cheely