InsideThe Cynic

A True Chicagoan

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Spotlight Posts

More Chicago Seasons

An Open Letter to the woman using her phone at the stoplight

The Second City

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For me, Chicago really shines in the winter. I am a winter kind of guy, normally, however. For me, the real character of this city is how it not only survives, but thrives when there is snow and cold. People still walk the streets and they still shop and they still keep this city alive even when other people in other parts of the world wonder how anyone could want to step out of their homes in weather like that.

I realize that I am alone in this for the most part. Most people would say that the city really shines in the summer. I have to admit, I can see their point. Despite what people may think about Chicago, and that it's really some kind of frozen arctic wasteland (that's actually Green Bay) but we do have summer here and Chicago does manage to make it a season of its own.

First off, we start off the music festival season just perfectly. In June we have the Chicago Blues Festival. It's a three or four day festival featuring some of the greatest blues musicians from around the world. It's like the official start to summer and it's great for entire families and doesn't have to cost a fortune.

Then comes Lollapalooza. Yes, that very same alternative music festival you remember from the 90s is still going strong. The thing is, it just doesn't travel around anymore. They have made Chicago its home and Chicago has embraced the strange long-haired stoned people that come to this festival. It's right in the middle of the summer season, which balances nicely.

Then, at the end of the season, just before the city starts to roll up its proverbial carpets and batten down the hatches for winter, there comes the Chicago Jazz Festival. It is a bit more mellow than the other two festivals, but that's a perfect end for the season. Again, it balances nicely and we like balance here in Chicago.

The beaches are open during the summer. Yes, we do have beaches. They are about as nice as any you will see on any ocean minus the salt water, tidal waves and sharks. Sure, sometimes there is an abundance of chemicals in the water that close the beaches, but at least the worst that can happen there is you grow an extra limb. Nothing is likely to bite you in half.

The city has put flowers up and down the streets downtown. Yes, that's right, we have flowers in the downtown area. It doesn't quite turn the city into a Garden of Eden, but it sure does look beautiful. The various restaurants downtown all have outside eating options as well, and you can admire the flowers and the sky and the atmosphere while enjoying some of the finest food you are likely to have.

Chicago probably doesn't rank high on people's list of places to go during the summer, and that's too bad. It's got something for everyone if you are the type who likes the heat and running around in those awful flip-flops with your toes hanging out. Me, I just shut up in the coldest place I can find and try not to sweat too much.

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Posted By: Bryan W. Alaspa 1 - Category: No Category

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Chicago: city of bicycles

July 2nd 2009 13:36

Chicago has tried in the past few years to become a city for bicycles. Reportedly the mayor is a big fan of riding bikes and he wanted to make the city more bike-friendly. So, he began encouraging Chicagoans, notoriously out of shape, to start riding bikes more. He had bicycle lanes painted on most city streets, thus confusing more motorists as they wonder if they are allowed to drive in those lanes to get around the slow-moving idiots on their cell phones or not.

I don’t know what vision the good Mayor had in mind when he decided to make the city more bike friendly. Did he look out his window at City Hall and imagine a major city like something out of mainland China? Did he envision thousands upon thousands of people moving up and down Michigan Avenue on their ten speeds?

With the economy tanking, however, his vision has moved just a bit closer to reality. You see men and women of all sizes and shapes and ages riding bikes these days. Far too many of them have no concept of what to wear when they ride their bikes. You see guys in business suits as much as you see the guys who think they are Lance Armstrong and wear the silly little shorts and the tight shirt and the helmet. Far too many of them wear the helmets, too. I know, I know, it’s a safety thing, but it also looks galactically stupid unless you’re in a bike race.

There was a time in my life when I would have joined them. Throughout most of my life and right through high school when spring and summer came I was glues to the 12-speed my parents had gotten me once I reached my teen years. Even after I got my drivers license I still loved riding that thing. I was never truly in shape, but there was a time when I could ride a bike many, many miles all over the place. Not so much these days.

Bicyclists are a strange breed. They often show up and demand that motorists treat them like other vehicles on the road. They want you to stop for them when they are at a stop sign. They want to have the right-of-way at intersections. The problem is that they often do not follow the rules themselves. What was that just blowing right through the stop sign or stoplight? Why, it was your friendly neighborhood biker, that’s who.

Bikers also, despite thinking they are cruising at supersonic speeds, are a lot slower than your average SUV. So, they are a pain to run across in the narrow Chicago streets. We do not have an abundance of four-lane streets in the city and there are often cars parked on the side of even the busiest streets. This means that, even with bike lanes, bikers are drifting out into the main flow of car traffic.

It would be one thing if the bikers would get over and let you pass. No, they want you to think that they are as legit as a car so they just keep riding along. Can’t get past them because of traffic in the oncoming lane? They don’t care. If you dare get a little to close to them, be prepared to be yelled and glared at.

Don’t even get me started on bike messengers. Those people aren’t even human.

For those who do love riding bikes, though, this is a great city to visit. I hear the bike paths right along Lake Michigan are fantastic. I don’t know because I don’t live near Lake Michigan and I am far too fat these days to ride a bike anyway. I’m a Chicagoan, remember.

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Posted By: Bryan W. Alaspa 1 - Category: No Category

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More Chicago Seasons

July 1st 2009 13:38

While not long ago I mentioned that Chicago really only had two seasons (Winter and Construction) the fact is that isn’t entirely true. What we have here in the Windy City is the regular four seasons and then some man-made sub-seasons. We are in the thick of two of those right now. The first is the “Taste of…” season and the second is “block party” season.

The concept was simple at first. There was this thing called Chicago Fest and it was downtown. They blocked off the area and the streets around the massive park area known as Grant Park. I believe at one time it also expanded into the huge finger extending into Lake Michigan known as Navy Pier. For all intents and purposes the Fest was very lame. I never knew a single person who went to the damn thing and the reports on television from those who did go were that it sucked.

Then, somewhere along the way, someone got the bright idea to switch from a generic fair type of deal to an event that required a major Chicago pastime – eating. Why not a festival that was just about food? Well, with that Taste of Chicago was born and it has been holding strong and assaulting stomach linings for a long time now.

Well, with the success of that the surrounding communities did what most people do when something is successful – they copied it. Soon, other “Tastes of..” began popping up. Now, every suburb has one and, even more alarmingly, every neighborhood in Chicago has one. There is the Taste of Elmwood Park and the Taste of Park Ridge and the Taste of Whatever. Soon there will be the Taste of Bob’s House and it will be held in his driveway. Why not? If it works for the rest of the city why not some guy named Bob?

The celebrations go down to the block level here. If there is one thing Chicagoans love more than going to “Tastes of…” it would be blocking off streets and having those inflatable bouncing castle things set up in the middle of the street. I grew up on a block that never had these things. All around me my friends would rave about their block parties, but the ancient people who lived on my block when I was growing up never wanted to have one. Thankfully, many of them moved away or died, and now younger people live on the block on which I grew up. Of course, now I have no desire to attend a block party, but better late than never.

Both ends of the block get shut off and kids get to, literally, run in the street. Neighbors are supposed to get to know their neighbors but, from what I see, most of them just invite over their families and friends and then sit out in front of their homes with those people instead of interacting with their neighbors. Some seem to take the opportunity to have their family reunions there.

There is often a band which is usually comprised of some middle-aged wannabe rockers who have yet to give up the idea that they are never going to be in a successful band. There’s nothing like playing in the streets while little kids ride their bikes into your microphones and try to shout into them when you aren’t on stage, right folks? Rock on!

So, if you are visiting Chicago, I suggest you take in the Taste of Chicago. They do have great food and it’s fun and they have real rock bands playing. Unless you live on a block and actually like your neighbors, I suggest you forget about the block parties.

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Posted By: Bryan W. Alaspa 1 - Category: No Category

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An Open Letter to the woman using her phone at the stoplight

June 30th 2009 13:52

Dear Lady at the Stoplight,

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Posted By: Bryan W. Alaspa 1 - Category: No Category

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The Second City

June 29th 2009 00:00

Of course, the thing to keep in mind about Chicago and, by association, Chicagoans is that the city and the people have a kind of permanent and large chip on their shoulders. It isn’t something we think about too much, but it’s there. All day long we can stand there and look up at the sky and see the planes flying west and east and know that many, many of them are planes flying from New York to L.A. and back again. If you talk to most people not from Chicago they often say the same thing, “I’ve been to Chicago. Well, I’ve spent time in the airport.”

I wouldn’t put it past the politicians and people who cook up the numbers about this city if they counted those people who just run from one airport terminal to the other as official “tourists.” The city spends a lot of effort trying to make O’Hare Airport something to be memorable. You can almost do all of your Christmas shopping there, for crying out loud, while drinking coffee, grabbing a bite to eat and then eating a cinnamon bun for dessert

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When sports mean life or death

June 27th 2009 20:48

The way most Chicagoans act you would assume that if their baseball, football, basketball or hockey team did not win the entire city would be destroyed. I have known grown men who, upon seeing the Bears lose a game on Sunday, spend the entire week in some kind of mourning. You would swear that they were on the field, walking up and down the sidelines, the way they act. It is a common thing to hear people in this town talk about the games using terms like “we” and “us” as if they are a part of the team.

This may be something you run into among sports fans in cities across the country, I am pretty sure. It just seems to be taken to some kind of level of art form here in the Windy City. Maybe because it does get so cold here in winter, you have to cling to something and the Bears are as good a thing to cling to as anything else

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Chicago’s orbit

June 26th 2009 13:55

Chicago is interesting when it comes to the smaller communities and cities around it. There is the Chicago proper and then there is the Chicago Metropolitan area. Of course, you would think that the Metro area would be the 10, 20, maybe 50 miles surrounding the area. However, urban sprawl has made it so that communities more than hour away often get classified as “local” and anything noteworthy or famous that comes out of those places gets snatched up by the city.

Chicago has a wide orbit. Of course, there are times when those famous things seek out Chicago’s orbit. Rockford is a city all its own and despite the fact that having some kind of association with Chicago would probably help that struggling community, the city refuses to acknowledge Chicago. If it associates with a larger city at all, it’s generally Milwaukee. I used to work at a radio station in Rockford and it was interesting to hear about the Rockford perspective

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Cheese it! Da Cops!

June 25th 2009 13:47

Other cities like to talk about how corrupt their cops are. You hear about how cops in New York are such bastards. Then you hear about how corrupt the L.A. cops are. It’s as if those cities just cannot get enough of bragging about how evil their policemen are. Well, here in Chicago, every average Chicagoan knows that the Chicago cops are bastards, but they try to keep it to themselves.

I was once on a nice evening with a lady friend. We had gone out with a bunch of her friends to a couple of bars and clubs and had been dancing and having a great time. We tool the EL back to her neighborhood and I was walking her home. We got to an intersection and started to cross, with the light and in the crosswalk and a cop in a patrol car turned right directly in front of us

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Posted By: Bryan W. Alaspa 1 - Category: No Category

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Chicago weather Part Two: Complainers

June 24th 2009 14:23

If there is one sport that unites all Chicagoans, well, it would probably truly be football. The city is at war with itself all summer long as Cubs and Sox fans fight it out in one of the most pathetic and stilly rivalries in baseball. Let New Yorkers fight over baseball teams, people! At the same time, boy those Cubs fans are sure annoying, aren’t they?

Anyway, the second thing that unites Chicagoans is complaining about the weather. Oh, lord, do Chicagoans love to complain about the weather. We get together in groups and spend time talking about it. While in other parts of the world when the discussion turns to weather that means things are winding down and boring, in Chicago it’s one of the first things you talk about

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Posted By: Bryan W. Alaspa 1 - Category: No Category

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Time to complain – about cell phone companies

June 23rd 2009 00:00

Cell phones are certainly not native to Chicago. The abuse heaped upon use sheep-like cell phone users is not native to Chicago. What is native to Chicago is the willingness to complain. We Chicagoans love to complain as loudly and as often as possible, but preferably to other Chicagoans while drinking beer. Most Chicagoans believe it is not only their God-give right to complain, but their patriotic duty. As a true Chicagoan, then, I feel the need to complain.

So, today, I want to complain about cell phone companies. Most importantly, why they feel the need to abuse those who are the most loyal and that are the customers who have been with them the longest. Just like some kind of abused spouse, we keep going back again and again no matter how badly they treat those of us who stick around while showering gifts and giving all of the attention to the new people, the more exciting people, just walking in the door

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July 2009

3 Posts

June 2009

17 Posts

February 2009

1 Posts